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14:04 - 06.03.03 The workmen said to each other in my presence today, �come on we need to finish this before she goes to Italy.� There wasn�t a rush before? Had I known I would have gone to Italy weeks ago. Sigh So let�s finish this shall we so that my brain can turn to mush from lack of sleep. Shelley, thank you. You ask and I update. It�s just that simple. No pleading. No begging. Of course if you were to ask daily, Greg would probably hunt you down and kill you, because Greg is turning me into a zombie. Where there used to be sleep there is now Greg and I mean that literally. We talk daily at night which I guess would be called talking nightly if I wasn�t so tired�.. I am literally becoming a zombie. You know that annoying way that zombies have of drooling and moaning and walking about stiff legged? Well that�s me except for the stiff legged part. But the most annoying part of zombies is how they have this one-track mind. I mean in all the zombie movies all the zombies ever think about is eating brains. Brains Brains Brains. You could be talking to a zombie about, oh I don�t know, the weather maybe, and the zombie will eventually say �how bout them brains?� as if they haven�t heard a word you said and then they would try to bite you because being zombies they have little interest in the weather or being polite. Well thankfully I am not fixated on brains (although mobius has a lovely one). I am apparently a sex zombie. This is a bit of a hazard in my profession when the solutions to all the worlds� problems appear to be me having sex with Greg. �I think that depression will clear right up once I have some sex. Maybe you should try some too. Well I know 10 is a little young but�� So I have sex on the brain much like when I was first divorced and complained that I was just going to suck men like a swirling vortex into my house and deposit them hours later ala alien abduction on the sidewalk in front of my house, shirt mis-buttoned, tie askew, hair mussed, not just a little dazed and confused. This time at least I am focused. This fate awaits only one man who like most men in my tendrils is pleased about the proposition. I however would like to have just a tiny bit of my brain devoted to something else, like even sleep. If only for the simple fact that Greg won�t be coming to Chicago until I come back from Italy and at this rate my underwear will self combust on a regular basis. And I think that would cause a slight commotion. Let see what do I have to say to catch you up here�.hmmmm�..Ok so Robbie. Well see it was like this; Robbie wanted me to believe that I was the most important thing to him and I wanted to believe it too because that feels good but the main problem was that Robbie was as reliable as a South American politician. He routinely promised me things that never materialized and when I started to complain about this he blasted me. This was our first break-up. And I would have been more than happy for it to be our last break-up, but Robbie, in a way that was almost comical, would call me daily (again at night, hmmm, seems there should be a word for this)�so Robbie would call me nightly in what seem to start out as an apology, if only I would admit I was very very wrong and then he would of course forgive me for saying that I felt and thought that I was not a priority in his life despite my hard evidence of his lack of planned dates, follow through, or acknowledgement that when I opened my mouth sometimes actual words would come out, it was not just a receptacle for sucking dick. Of course I would point out, because I am entirely too head strong, that I did feel that way and I wasn�t going to admit that I was very very wrong so he would eventually be yelling at me and the conversation would ultimately end only to begin again on the same heartfelt note the next night. And I must have had some severe hypoxia from sucking all that dick because apparently every time he called and started out nice I thought that maybe he had found his brain. So eventually we stopped talking on a nightly basis and agreed to a truce in which I was temporarily insane in his mind but he was not allowed to try to make me feel bad for saying what I believed. We were not dating but Robbie was convinced that I was the woman he was going to marry so he was not willing to let my temporary insanity get in the way of his life long happiness. My friends hated him. Only Ed was supportive. One night we laughed for hours at how insane Robbie was. The truce lasted until my birthday. On my birthday I worked because I am a sick puppy. I was also sick in general. Robbie called me wanted to go out to dinner. I told him I was sick. He said we really needed to talk. I said okay. He asked me to drive to him when I was done with work. I did. I was sick, it was my birthday, I had worked all day. We had a recent history of not being able to talk in a respectful manner or solve problems. Yes if someone had offered me a seat on the Eastlake or a ticket for the Titanic I probably would have gone. And we sat in a restaurant and he tore me a new asshole for being such an incredible bitch and I let him have it with both barrels. All the things I thought about his own mental health and his need for counseling I told him, but because I am respectful I told him in the car driving him back to his business. I told him that he needed help and I left. You might wonder what kind of insane person would then give this thing another go. Well, the sex was fantastic, and despite all this he had some wonderful qualities, but next to this bizarre stuff they faded quickly. I gave Robbie another chance because he admitted that he had been wrong, he was at fault and he went to counseling. So I gave him another chance, because he almost convinced me that we were supposed to be together. But also, and this is the thing you must understand, I think that anytime you are attracted to someone who is probably wrong for you and you stay with them I think there is some lesson that you need to learn about yourself. So the fact that Robbie kept hooking me in told me there was something here I had to resolve for my own happiness. I was in therapy the whole time. I processed the relationship endlessly. I looked at it as a learning experience. Robbie was my love GRE. He was the ultimate test. I was either going to walk away in a good way and be able to accomplish something for myself, or I was going to find that we could work it out and have a good relationship. I wanted to work it out although now I can�t even fathom why. Because now I can see that with Robbie I was settling. I was trying to convince myself that he was a good catch and I should be happy with him even though I wasn�t. Because I thought that my one true love had packed his bags and moved on. Because I thought that I had found happiness and lost it. Because I didn�t want to admit to anyone not even myself that a large part of my heart was still owned by a man that didn�t even care whether I lived or died. Oh I guess he might feel bad and say a few nice words at my funeral but the love that was built over so many years was gone and I didn�t really have any hope of finding someone who compared let alone exceeded that. So I tried to make do and I tried to make it work and barring that I knew that I was going to learn to do something in my relationships better even if I wasn�t exactly sure what. Well I have to eat (brains�.., no no no brains, peanut butter, very very very crunchy peanut butter with dark chocolate and tea) and not have sex and I supposed I should do a little work, see a patient or two, try to convince them that sex is the answer for everything, and bug the workmen by poking them with sticks and then see if Ed has forgotten that we are supposed to have dinner and nosh and chat. Tune in next time when we conclude our five part series with the exciting conclusion (how apropos!) Hello my name is mobius Or HEARTS AND FLOWERS AND LITTLE FLUFFY BUNNIES IN MUDGIRL LAND muddle
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